Choosing a funeral preacher
18/03/16 05:17
As pastor of a mid-sized congregation with a considerable number of retired and aging members I officiate at quite a few funerals. There are currently six chaplains serving the Pennington County Sheriff’s Office. Each year I officiate at more funerals than the other five combined. I also attend a lot of funerals at which I do not officiate. As a member of the LOSS team or in conjunction with my duties as Sheriff’s Chaplain I attend funerals in support of people who are not affiliated with my congregation. I also attend funerals in support of grieving families because of relationships I have in the community outside of the church.
As one who attends a lot of funerals, I have a general sense of what is meaningful and supportive of families and what is not. I have formed strong opinions about how funerals can be very helpful in the journey of grief and of ways that some things that happen at funerals can make things more difficult for those who grieve.
Funerals are distinct from other services of the church for the simple reason that the event of death seems to require ritual. Families who do not belong and who do not participate in churches, often come to the church for funeral services. Although it is possible to have the body of a loved one cremated or buried without any formal service, it is very rare. I don’t know if anyone has compiled an actual statistic on deaths where no funeral is held, but I guess that in our community it is less than 1%. Most services have some kind of religious or spiritual structure. Even those that are led by someone who would self describe as secular contain elements adopted from ancient religious tradition.
A funeral is a good time to connect with tradition. In the midst of grief it is helpful to be reminded that ours isn’t the first generation to have experienced death and loss. It is meaningful to know that others have survived the pain of loss and gone on with their lives. It is important to be reminded that this is not the end for the people who are overwhelmed with grief. Much of the traditional trappings of funeral services has to do with reminding people that they are not alone and that they belong to a multi-generational enterprise.
In the past week I had the opportunity to speak with family members who attended the funeral of a cousin in a distant place. I wasn’t able to get to the funeral, but got reports from relatives. I also officiated at a funeral yesterday. And the season of Lent is a time when we often talk bout death and grief and I have had several other conversations about funerals.
Both my experience in attending funerals and my conversations with others lead me to the conclusion that there are a a lot of really poorly done funerals. I hear horror stories of funerals where the deceased’s name was only occasionally mentioned and the service was impersonal and detached. I know of officiants who disrespected the occasion to promote their own personal beliefs in an attempt to make religious conversions in the midst of the service. I have experienced officiants who get their own egos caught up in the service and tell rambling stories about themselves even to the point of self promotion. It is very common for planners of funerals to attempt to cram far too much into a single service and end up disrespecting the time of the grieving family and community members.
Just attending the funeral of a loved one is an exhausting experience. The nature of grief is such that it is difficult to focus, to remember, and to concentrate on the content of a lot of words. It is frequently best to keep funerals short and to not expect the time to be one of intellectual processing. Instead of explaining, simply sharing time and space can be more powerful. A single song can be more healing than a long sermon.
Funerals draw together a community of different congregations and different religious traditions. Officiants at funerals are ministering to a far more diverse community than is the case at a typical Sunday morning worship service. Being mindful of the diversity of beliefs can be helpful in planning the service. Failure to understand this diversity can result in offending some of the grieving community members.
I believe that the most important thing for an officiant to do is to listen to those who are grieving. It is the quality of listening more than the quality of speaking that results in funerals that minister to the needs of grieving people.
My own path to becoming a minister involved four years of undergraduate education during one of which I served a small congregation as a supervised licensed minister. Then there were four more years and two additional internships as I earned my masters and doctorate. At the conclusion of my formal education I was directly informed that I still needed to accumulate at least four additional years of experience before I would be prepared for many ministry jobs. My education was based on rigorous intellectual training and intensive supervised experience. Now, nearly 38 years after my ordination and an intentional path of regular continuing education I am aware that I continue to improve my skills at serving families and officiating at significant moments including funerals.
But there are multiple paths to the ministry. I have colleagues who have no formal theological education, who have taken no college classes in psychology, who have had no supervised clinical education. I have other colleagues who assume they learned all they need to know in a couple of years attending an unaccredited bible college. Not all ministers bring the same education and experience to their work. It shouldn’t surprise us that there are huge variations in the quality of funeral services.
The midst of grief is no time to go shopping for officiants. Grieving families often simply ask whoever is available or closest at the moment.
I don’t want to get all preachy here. But I do believe that since everyone experiences grief it might be a good idea to occasionally attend a church service and learn something about the pastors in your community before you have to choose the one to officiate at the funeral of a loved one. Such an important event deserves a careful choice.
As one who attends a lot of funerals, I have a general sense of what is meaningful and supportive of families and what is not. I have formed strong opinions about how funerals can be very helpful in the journey of grief and of ways that some things that happen at funerals can make things more difficult for those who grieve.
Funerals are distinct from other services of the church for the simple reason that the event of death seems to require ritual. Families who do not belong and who do not participate in churches, often come to the church for funeral services. Although it is possible to have the body of a loved one cremated or buried without any formal service, it is very rare. I don’t know if anyone has compiled an actual statistic on deaths where no funeral is held, but I guess that in our community it is less than 1%. Most services have some kind of religious or spiritual structure. Even those that are led by someone who would self describe as secular contain elements adopted from ancient religious tradition.
A funeral is a good time to connect with tradition. In the midst of grief it is helpful to be reminded that ours isn’t the first generation to have experienced death and loss. It is meaningful to know that others have survived the pain of loss and gone on with their lives. It is important to be reminded that this is not the end for the people who are overwhelmed with grief. Much of the traditional trappings of funeral services has to do with reminding people that they are not alone and that they belong to a multi-generational enterprise.
In the past week I had the opportunity to speak with family members who attended the funeral of a cousin in a distant place. I wasn’t able to get to the funeral, but got reports from relatives. I also officiated at a funeral yesterday. And the season of Lent is a time when we often talk bout death and grief and I have had several other conversations about funerals.
Both my experience in attending funerals and my conversations with others lead me to the conclusion that there are a a lot of really poorly done funerals. I hear horror stories of funerals where the deceased’s name was only occasionally mentioned and the service was impersonal and detached. I know of officiants who disrespected the occasion to promote their own personal beliefs in an attempt to make religious conversions in the midst of the service. I have experienced officiants who get their own egos caught up in the service and tell rambling stories about themselves even to the point of self promotion. It is very common for planners of funerals to attempt to cram far too much into a single service and end up disrespecting the time of the grieving family and community members.
Just attending the funeral of a loved one is an exhausting experience. The nature of grief is such that it is difficult to focus, to remember, and to concentrate on the content of a lot of words. It is frequently best to keep funerals short and to not expect the time to be one of intellectual processing. Instead of explaining, simply sharing time and space can be more powerful. A single song can be more healing than a long sermon.
Funerals draw together a community of different congregations and different religious traditions. Officiants at funerals are ministering to a far more diverse community than is the case at a typical Sunday morning worship service. Being mindful of the diversity of beliefs can be helpful in planning the service. Failure to understand this diversity can result in offending some of the grieving community members.
I believe that the most important thing for an officiant to do is to listen to those who are grieving. It is the quality of listening more than the quality of speaking that results in funerals that minister to the needs of grieving people.
My own path to becoming a minister involved four years of undergraduate education during one of which I served a small congregation as a supervised licensed minister. Then there were four more years and two additional internships as I earned my masters and doctorate. At the conclusion of my formal education I was directly informed that I still needed to accumulate at least four additional years of experience before I would be prepared for many ministry jobs. My education was based on rigorous intellectual training and intensive supervised experience. Now, nearly 38 years after my ordination and an intentional path of regular continuing education I am aware that I continue to improve my skills at serving families and officiating at significant moments including funerals.
But there are multiple paths to the ministry. I have colleagues who have no formal theological education, who have taken no college classes in psychology, who have had no supervised clinical education. I have other colleagues who assume they learned all they need to know in a couple of years attending an unaccredited bible college. Not all ministers bring the same education and experience to their work. It shouldn’t surprise us that there are huge variations in the quality of funeral services.
The midst of grief is no time to go shopping for officiants. Grieving families often simply ask whoever is available or closest at the moment.
I don’t want to get all preachy here. But I do believe that since everyone experiences grief it might be a good idea to occasionally attend a church service and learn something about the pastors in your community before you have to choose the one to officiate at the funeral of a loved one. Such an important event deserves a careful choice.